Getting CLEAR.
I’ve been in glasses or contact lenses since kindergarten. My -11.00 prescription wins all sorts of prizes for terrible. Last week I was back at the eye doctor, squinting at those little letters, and the doctor asked if I could see the middle row.
My response: Define “see.”
I could sort of make out the letters and could hazard a decent guess, but this was not my idea of “seeing.” I needed more clarity — in her question, and in my vision.
Clarity matters.
STORY TIME
End of Day
Last year a client requested a reschedule. I let her know I could hold a specific time for her only until “end of day.” At 6pm I hadn’t heard from her so I released the time. At 9pm she wrote to confirm, having just finished her shift in the emergency room (she’s a doctor.)
9pm was her end of day, 6pm was mine. She was upset, not just because I had released the time, but also because she felt like I didn’t fully grasp (or respect) the long hours required in her demanding job.
I apologized for not being clearer — this was on me and I learned an important lesson. She identified where she had allowed our miscommunication to create a larger, unhelpful story in her mind. And a super valuable conversation followed.
People Time
My husband is a musician. In our early dating days I used to get so frustrated by his “loose” understanding of time. I’d ask him how much longer he planned to practice before he’d be done for the day. He’d say “2 hours.” But then 2 hours would come and go and he’d still be in there, working away. SO annoying!
*I* thought he didn’t want to hang out with me. He was confused. (Because he always wants to hang out with me 😊.) Turns out his “2 hours” didn’t include practice breaks.
Once we figured this out, our agreement was that he would translate his practice time into what I call “people time.” Two hours practice time = 2 hours and 20 minutes “people time.”
He doesn’t love me
A client came into a recent session steaming mad. Her husband hadn’t lived up to his agreement to have dinner ready when she got home at the end of the day. She'd come home exhausted, grumpy and starved. Pizza delivery was on its way, but running late. She was furious. And she was sure this was a sign of how little he cared.
I asked, “When you made this agreement did you get really clear about what “dinner” means? About what “ready” means?” She thought this was patently obvious — until they had a followup conversation. She realized that her idea of dinner — a gorgeous salad + lean protein + glass of wine, all ready and waiting on the dining table — this was a vision in her head, not something she had actually said out loud. (And also not realistic given his similarly demanding schedule.) They got clear and came to a new, more specific and more realistic agreement.
Four - Zero - Zero
When a new client begins with we make a commitment to each other. Our sessions are often the only time on a client's busy calendar which is devoted purely to them — we agree to honor this and to start on time. Then we get clear on what “on time” actually means. Plus or minus 5 minutes? 10? Nope. We agree that for the purposes of our work, “on time” means that a 4pm session begins when the computer clock says 4 - 0 - 0.
Why? Because when a client starts to slip and arrive late, it’s often a sign of other things slipping in their life, starting with the ability to prioritize their own needs. This gives us really valuable information, made possible only by our clear agreement.
SLOWING DOWN
Slowing down to get clear can feel cumbersome. And getting clear, getting it right, from the outset is always the most efficient and effective path.
But this isn’t just about efficiency and effectiveness. Clarity can serve us in so many ways:
Wins
Many of my clients are hard-driving, high achieving leaders who rarely stop to celebrate or acknowledge a win. When a leader takes the time to clearly define what “success” means for a project it helps hold everyone accountable — and importantly, this includes holding the leader accountable for acknowledging and celebrating when success is achieved. It’s demoralizing to work for a leader who constantly moves the goal posts and never sees the “win.” Defining “success” helps combat this.
YOUR INVITATION TO REFLECT:
Is there room for more clarity in your life? Hint: look for simmering resentments or irritations. They often point to the need for more clarity. And if you're feeling a lot resistance to this idea, get curious! Did you learn somewhere along the way that asking for clarity (or being clear) isn't “nice” or “polite”? It might be time to update your thinking.