If you think you’re enlightened, go home for Thanksgiving*

The holiday season is upon us and it’s hard to escape big feelings this time of year — whether hosting, traveling, celebrating solo, or something else.

I don’t know what your big feelings might be? And here’s an incomplete list of some I’ve experienced over the years (often in combination):

Excitement, overwhelm, gratitude, anxiety, connection, irritation, loneliness, joy, comparison/judgment, fun.

Sometimes all goes well. Sometimes, the truth is I’m just not at my best. So it's useful to revisit tools that can help me show up for the holidays more in alignment with my values. Here are four of my favorites:

🩵 Turning complaints into requests

When a client comes to me with a complaint about a coworker, my first question is, “have you made a clear request?” The holidays are a fantastic time to practice this — here’s an example:

Instead of, “It’s so inconsiderate that the big meal is at 1pm — they know how long my drive is and I can’t believe they’re making me get on the road before dawn!”

Try, “I’d like to request that we eat at 3pm this year.”

Of course they might say no, and this can open up a longer, healthier, conversation. (See next tool:)

🩵 Boundaries, with warmth

We mistakenly think we have to choose between upholding boundaries and being loving. When we set a boundary, changing “but” to “and” can help us emphasize both:

→ I’m truly grateful to be with you for this holiday AND I can contribute 4 pies not 7.

→ I love you so much AND I’m not going to be able to get there until 3pm.

→ You are important to me AND I am going to go to the other room if the conversation stays on politics.

🩵 Creating more space between trigger and response

Most of us benefit from slowing down our reactions, especially in highly emotional settings.

Our bodies can help: Just taking one or two slow breaths before responding can help us make a more conscious choice.

Language can help: Consider using “I am experiencing this/her as …”

For example, “I experience her as controlling.” “I experience him as delightful.” “My experience of the gathering was that it was overwhelming.”

Yes, that’s a mouthful of words — and those words help us slow down and recognize that this is our experience, and it’s not necessarily FACT.

🩵 Self compassion

Your turkey exploded. Chester the puppy ate someone’s shoe. You're on your own by choice, and are surprised by how lonely you feel. The dishwasher broke. You just snapped at your relative after she commented on your parenting style. Maybe those first few tools don’t seem super available to you right now. This is OKAY. You’re HUMAN!

Here is where we turn to the most important tool of all: being kind to yourself. Take a breath, remind yourself that you are indeed human and therefore perfectly imperfect, and give yourself a hug.

(*Quote by Ram Dass)