The high-achiever’s surprising secret weapon.
A few weeks ago I melted down in front of my husband. It was the day before a major speaking engagement and I was attempting to do a practice run for him. About 2 minutes in, I got super self conscious and pretty much shriveled up into a ball.
(This wasn’t the first time this had happened. The exact same thing occurred the day before my TEDx talk a few years ago.)
Now, this could have sent me into a big spiral — it certainly has in the past! But I’ve been steadily strengthening a secret weapon:
Self-Compassion
I turn to this anytime I step into greater visibility, or when the stakes get higher. Here's what that looks like:
Awareness. “You’re feeling a lot of pressure about this event and this is stressful to you.” (Using the second person “you” is surprisingly helpful when talking to ourselves.)
You’re not alone. “You’re human! Lots of people would find this stressful. Even seasoned public speakers get nervous.”
Kindness. “You’re doing the best you can. It takes courage to do this, and you’ve been brave! And even if you stumble or forget something, you are great, just as you are.”
And, for those times when I really need to up the self-compassion, I’ll say these words to myself with both hands over my heart. (Sounds cheesy but there’s real data to back this up.)
We all benefit from self-compassion, but it’s often overlooked as an essential tool to help us play big in our lives and careers.
One of my clients is about to launch a high-stakes, high-visibility project at work. It’s way bigger and more consequential than his usual projects. For him to really play big — and potentially succeed big — he needs to risk messing up on a much bigger level than he’s used to.
And for him to be willing to take that risk he needs to know that he’ll be there for himself if things go haywire.
Self-compassion doesn’t make us “weak” or “lazy,” it gives us a fundamental tool to allow us to be bold, to be courageous, and to excel.
(And for those of you who are wondering … my speaking event went great! But if it hadn’t, I would be okay, too.)
What about you? Would you benefit from stronger self-compassion?
Here are some resources to get you started:
VISIT: Kristin Neff is a leading voice on this topic. Her website is a goldmine of tools and resources, as is her book.
LISTEN: This episode of the Hidden Brain podcast is a terrific introduction to the subject.
WATCH: If you're a skeptic, check out Dan Harris's recent TED talk “The Benefits of not being a Jerk to Yourself.”
PS — Let me know how this concept is for you! Helpful? Mystifying? Uncomfortable? All of the above?