Hey there, good lookin’

What’s your relationship with compliments? Do you love them? Possibly even crave them? 

Or maybe you’re more like me, and they can make you itch.

I often deflect compliments or positive acknowledgements. Friends will tell you I’m also pretty resistant to celebrations in my honor. As I move into a time where quite a bit of acknowledgement and celebration is coming my way, I’m actively working on changing how I relate to all of this.

I came by my resistance honestly:

Long ago I adopted a musician's “best practice,” which is this:

If you choose to believe the good reviews, you have to believe the bad ones too, so it's better not to believe any of them.   

This makes sense — and also comes at a cost (More on that later.)

There’s also plenty of societal conditioning around being “appropriately” modest and/or humble. This is especially true for women, and I’m definitely not immune.

Here’s why I want to do things differently:

When we wall ourselves off from those outside reflections, we are doing exactly that – walling ourselves off. From everything. And that’s not how I want to be in the world.

Not only that, but when we deflect or reject compliments, we’re basically telling our counterpart that their perception of us isn’t valid.

I don’t want to do that, either.

But I also don’t want to do the opposite, which is to rely on compliments for my sense of self, to outsource my confidence to others. 

Here’s how I’m approaching this whole conundrum: My goal is to be able to receive these positive reflections for exactly what they are: true information about how we are experienced by someone else. Their experience of us.

Not “THE” truth, but a truth. Their truth. 

Part of the work is to find a home inside of me for those compliments to land, to resonate – many of us are so conditioned to believe the negative, it takes real intention to welcome in the positive. (This can be especially true for driven, ambitious high-achievers.)

So a key piece of this project is becoming more willing to see and acknowledge myself. 

For a fantastic example of this, check out Niecy Nash at the Emmy’s (20-second clip here), and the interview where she explains why she thanked herself (90-second clip here.)

This whole exploration takes us into the territory of GROUNDED CONFIDENCE. And that’s a place I want to be. 

Brené Brown wisely says,  “Don’t shrink, don’t puff up, just stand your sacred ground.”

Being able to take in positive reflections, compliments, and celebration — this helps us have a more holistic picture of ourselves, and helps us identify and occupy that sacred ground.

INVITATION TO REFLECT: On a scale of 1-10, what is your willingness to receive acknowledgement, celebration, compliments? Can you integrate them into a richer understanding of how others experience you — not defining, but part of the tapestry of you?

ACTION STEP: If compliments make you itch, the next time you get one, try just saying “thank you.” Full stop. You could also say “thank you for sharing how you see me.”

PS — If you’re someone who CRAVES compliments, all this applies to you, too. Start giving yourself more acknowledgement and you’ll begin to unhook yourself from that praise. It’ll become something nice to receive, but not a requirement.