The day I yelled at a colleague.

“I felt so bad for months!” 

This from a colleague, recounting words we had exchanged about a decade ago.   

She remembered our conversation like it was yesterday — and I hardly remembered it at all.

Details started to return as she spoke. I remembered that we had been in a high-stakes project with the orchestra. I was under a lot of pressure, responsible for a very touchy, ultra sensitive, super exposed flute part.  

On that day this colleague was seated right in front of me on stage during rehearsal. Her music stand was squarely in my line of vision, and she was gesturing at her music, engaged in an animated exchange with her stand partner —  all while I was performing the touchiest spot in that very touchy flute part. 

It was distracting. 

And I spent the rest of rehearsal building up a head of steam about it.

Afterwards I marched up to her, all worked up, angry and full of fire. “What, exactly, do you want from me?! Are you not happy with my playing?” 

(Ooof. Not my best moment.)

I was upset and I made sure she knew it. 

Here’s what my colleague also knew: the thing she and her stand partner were gesturing and talking about? It had absolutely nothing to do with me, my playing, or that very touchy flute solo. 

After my outburst my colleague apologized for not being more sensitive to what was happening around her. And I apologized for losing my temper. 

In my mind we were resolved, and I didn’t give it another thought.  

Not true for her, though. This story remains pretty vivid for her, a painful memory.

Reflecting back on this a decade later — through the lens of hindsight, accumulated wisdom, and significantly improved communication and self regulation skills — I see valuable learnings.

Reader, I invite you to pause here and think of the most recent time you lost your cool. Now keep reading, and consider which of these might have been at play:

>> Complaints versus requests. Rather than making a request (“Would you please be mindful of your motions during this sensitive passage?”) I simmered and stewed and then launched into an angry complaint. At the time I felt fully justified — I see now that I missed a valuable opportunity to get my needs met with a simple request.

>> Making it all about me. In my mind, of course whatever they were talking about had to do with me. Most of us center ourselves in the stories we create in our minds — but the truth is that 99% of the time, whatever it is, it just isn’t about us. Really.

>> Negativity bias. It also didn’t occur to me that, even if they had been talking about me, it could have been in a positive way. (Let that sink in, brain.)

>> Venting without recognizing the harm caused. After I let off steam, I felt “resolved.” But my colleague had a very different experience, and she still carries with her some residual pain from that encounter. This is pain I caused. How I chose to express myself wasn’t necessary or appropriate in that situation, and it exacted a cost.

>> Allowing feelings to dictate my actions, rather than pausing and taking considered action. That day I allowed my upset feelings to dictate my actions. I didn’t slow down and get perspective. I didn’t consider what part of the situation was my own doing. (My go-to question these days: “What part of this did I create, promote, or allow?”) I didn’t check in with my wiser self. My wiser self may still have spoken with a lot of conviction, but it would have come in the form of a clear and emphatic request — not as a dressing down of a colleague.

That wasn’t my finest hour. (And I’ve been working to do things differently in the years since.)

Don’t get me wrong — I still do all those things I just listed. I just do them much less often, and I tend to catch myself and make adjustments sooner. (My coach is an important part of that process. And I am an important part of that process for my own clients.)

I’m human and a work in progress. So are you.

ACTION STEP: The next time you’re upset, take a few breaths before deciding your next step. Slow down and ask yourself what your wiser self might advise. Great power resides in that space between an upset feeling and our response.

RESOURCE: This 30-minute podcast episode with journalist Amanda Ripley shares tools for what she calls “breaking the spell of high conflict.”